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I really cannot begin to explain to you how much I hate The X-Factor.

Just thinking about it sends acid coursing through my veins. It's a despicable mixture of glorified karaoke and freak show, designed solely to make money out of the poor deluded souls who just want to be famous and who seem to make up the majority of the British public these days. Those with a modicum of talent might end up winning it, but after the inevitable Christmas number one they either disappear in to obscurity, 'panto' as it's otherwise known, or just blend in to the mind-numbingly bland world of pop music, until eventually you find yourself watching a Leona Lewis video and asking; 'Now, was she on X-Factor or Pop Idol? Or was it Stars in Their Eyes? Either way, this sounds awful...STOP BLOODY WARBLING...'

But then, the people who watch it know this. They know how it works. They know that the chances of seeing any of these acts on television ever again are on a par with seeing The Beatles reform with Noel Edmonds on lead vocals for a one off performance on The National Lottery's In It To Win It, and yet they still tune in. They still get emotionally involved. They still vote. I will never understand why.

I think the worst thing about it is that it's almost impossible to escape from. I can't walk past a newsagents any more without seeing Cheryl Cole's hideous orange face weeping back at me like an open sore. I haven't seen a single episode of this series, I'd rather watch a deaf amateur dramatic production of Schindler's List in a pub car park, and yet I could probably tell you the names of at least two of the acts. Cher and One Direction. There, told you.

HOW DO I KNOW THIS INFORMATION? I don't WANT to know it. I must have absorbed it somehow. It must be in the air. Like anthrax, only much, much worse.

Twitter and Facebook have become no-go areas on Saturday and Sunday evenings. For example;

@Miles_Str Omg I love Wagner. #xfactor (Alas, Miles was not referring to Richard or even Robert)


@ZBieberFan (alarm bells should already be ringing) Wish #Xfactor was on everyday :D x
(Pray that Z never stumbles across a magic lamp)
 
@NMaher Wonders how long people talked about #xfactor in work today? We did a good 30mins (My God, the atmosphere in that office must be electric)


@r_tone Just re-watched the #xfactor version of "Rhythm of the Night". That group performance really is the highlight of my week. (For fuck's sake)

These are just a few examples of the brain-dead witterings of the damned you have to put up with.
 
This is a pointless rant really. I've given up trying to make people see things my way, there's no use. I can see myself eventually going insane and becoming one of those people you see on street corners in the movies, all grubby faced, wearing fingerless gloves and a sandwich board prophesying the end of mankind. I'm resigned to the fact that as a race we are doomed and in centuries to come a futuristic version of Baldrick out of Blackadder will make a television programme about our time;
 
'And you say they worshipped their Queen, simply because she got malaria and cried a lot?'
 
'From these records, that would appear to be the case, yes. She also married and subsequently divorced a moron, who took photos of his pants and sent them to other women. That seemed to make her quite popular.'
 
'Right...'
 
'It's a miracle they survived as long as they did really. But, as we all now know, they were the architects of their own downfall. Then again, how were they to know that voting for Jedward to form a coalition government with Gamu would lead to a nuclear holocaust? Their Vanilla Ice routine gave no clues of the horrors to come...'