'This is the NEWS...'

I'm quite excited, as tomorrow there's a real chance I will get to meet someone you could call a musical legend. But, that's as much as I'm going to say for now. I've learnt my lesson since the whole Martin Jol episode, so, you'll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out if it happened or not.

In the meantime, here are some things that have caught my eye today;

After yesterday's tribute to Arnie's prowess as a sexual predator, here he is, getting in to a bit of hot water for waving a massive knife about.

Meanwhile, this story proves that anyone can have a happy ending. But, Edmonds being Edmonds, it isn't all straightforward.

''We met on October 6, 2006 at six minutes past 11 in the morning. She walked into the dressing room I had at Deal or No Deal and was introduced as the stand-in makeup artist who would be doing me for the next three days. Then something strange happened, and here we are."

Something strange happened? I'm sorry, but that could mean anything. Did you fall in love, Noel, or just slip something in her drink?

But, my absolute favourite has to be this story about a girl being hospitalised by a falling tortoise. That's brilliant enough in its self, but the more you read on, the better it gets. Straight away, in the first paragraph, we discover the tortoise was pregnant. The fact that it was pregnant really has no bearing on the story, and after that, there is no other reference to it whatsoever. But pregnant it was.

Then we hear from a police spokesperson, who said ''We have questioned 16 flat owners all of whom have denied responsibility." Well you would, wouldn't you? What on earth would lead someone to throw a pregnant tortoise out of the window? I have images of a poor Chinese man getting really frustrated with the instructions for his flat-pack wardrobe, losing it, and hurling the nearest thing to him out of the window. Only once the red mist has cleared did he realise that 'Shelly' wasn't anywhere to be seen.

I must admit, I was lacking in inspiration for tortoise names for that last bit, so I Googled 'tortoise names'. This was the first result. The first suggestion for a perfectly acceptable tortoise name?

Aleksandr Nikolai.

I'll leave it to you to find your favourites.